Looking back at that post now, I realize that I did a pretty good job getting the negative things off my chest. However, now I need to address the positives and all the reasons I loved Patrick and why he had such a hold on me. So 4. More Patrick. I'll do that tonight.
So here I am. Patrick brought me back.
I just spent quite a long time reading old journal entries and so many things are going through my mind. Things I need to talk about:
2. My view of my life
1. Patrick. I will always love you. But after reading so many of these journal entries, I have realized why we pretty much stopped talking after I graduated. It's because I don't like you. And I feel awful that it takes you being permanently gone for me to realize this, because now is the time that I should be coming to peace with and letting that feeling go. But I'm just realizing it. And I need to get it off my chest.
Patrick, you hurt me. You hurt me a lot. What hurts the most is that I loved you and I know that part of me always will. I know now that I wasn't the only victim of your games, and I feel like that should make it hurt less, but it doesn't. I spent far too long chasing what I knew I would never have. We were awful for each other. We drug each other down. It was so masochistic, but so beautiful at the same time. You will forever be the only person who every truly understood that side of me. I don't know why you are gone now, and I really don't want to assume or jump to conclusions, but in the back of my mind I am so ready to be absolutely furious if you broke our promise. Not just at you- at myself, too. Because I made a promise to you, and if I broke that without realizing it... I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
I wish our relationship would have been different. I wish I would have had the balls to stand up to you, stand up for myself. I should have taken control of our friendship and made it clear that it was only a friendship. Instead I let you keep me on the hook for far too long. I don't know if I will ever understand why you treated me the way that you did or why I was such a sucker for it. We were young and we were dumb, but that's not an excuse. We both knew it wasn't healthy at the time, and we both let it continue anyway. Maybe it was because we needed to be sure we would always have each other there, even if on the back burner. I know now that a well defined friendship could have been SOOO much more healthy lol.
But the past is in the past, and I'm in a completely different place now. You're gone, but I have learned so much from you and I will always keep you with me. Just so you know, you're always going to be High School Patrick. I'm sorry that I didn't know you after that, but I think its ok. High School Patrick was there for me when I needed him, even if not always in the best way. You were a good person. I wish that I would have come to terms with all of this earlier, but that's not something I can change now. High School Patrick will always be in a special place for me, and I promise that I will do my very best to remember you in a positive light :). Like the tech booth. The night that made me sleep through my ACT. Jazz band trips. Crazy for You (and I really was for so long :P). RBF. All the crazy music we shared. Overloading my iPod. Throwing clothes out the booth window. Tech Saturdays. Drumming. Ridiculous ADD. And just you... I hope that I can continue to remember you as well as I do. You were so special to me, Patrick.
2. My view of my life. So I've noticed that I do this thing where I constantly think that my life is at one of the lower points its ever been at. Ever since... I'm not sure. Jr. High I guess (and Jesus, what did I have before that that was so much better? Milk break? wtf.). I'm always looking back and saying "I miss those days" or looking ahead and saying "It will be better when...". Well you know what? Its time for life to be good right now. And it is! I don't have to pretend. I'm pretty good at seeing the positive things. I just need to stop thinking about the past or waiting for the future, because its making me miss my life. Looking back tonight, I feel like I am a shell of what I used to be. I had so much emotion and passion (much of which seemed quite angsty through my journal entries... whats with that?). I lived with such... I don't know. Vigor. Now I'm just kind of... chillin. I'm not really passionate about anything. I don't really have hobbies anymore. I don't see many of my friends. Really I'm to the point where I don't know if I would consider most of them friends anymore- probably just acquaintances. I used to feel like I was going somewhere. Now I feel like I've settled nowhere near my destination. This needs to change.
3. Relationships. Maaaaaan this has been a work in progress for me. But you know what? Progress is key. And I have learned something from everyone I've dated.
Patrick (we never technically dated, but I'm counting him)- Don't date people who's lives suck equally as much as yours. For that matter, if you think your life is so awful you probably shouldn't be in a relationship. I think you need to be OK with yourself and your life before you can have anything to give to another person, and its fair to expect the same from them.
Michael- Michael taught me what love really is (was?). Michael is and was a fabulous person and a wonderful partner. I'm so happy that he has found someone and is getting married :). Michael taught me that giving is very important in a relationship and that money is not. The most important "things" that you can give don't cost a thing. Time. Love. Energy. Effort. Thoughtfulness. Compassion. Empathy. I never questioned whether Michael loved me. He never let me feel like I was unimportant or not loved. To be completely honest, I don't remember why we broke up. I think Patrick probably had some sort of weird, indirect influence. I went a little crazy and needed some space and it turned into a downhill spiral. Michael also taught me that while it is important to fight for what you believe in, it is also important to know when to let go.
Drew- Drew taught me that opposites can attract. We seriously had next to nothing in common when we started dating, but we had chemistry and that was enough for a long time. We learned to have things in common and care about each other. Drew and I had all the right passion and love and emotion, but ended up not having the best relationship skills. He taught me how important trust is in a relationship and what can happen if one person gets too over protective, jealous, or over bearing. He also made me realize that I am not good at handling someone who is over protective, jealous, and over bearing. AND I learned that when its done, it needs to be done. You can't just drag it out, because that hurts sooo much more. Clean break.
Anton- Don't date people simply because you would feel bad for saying no. You will feel worse when you break up with them 24 hours later.
Lance- ... I'm not even sure what Lance taught me about relationships. Big life lesson: don't loan people money. Don't let people use your credit cards. Be more skeptical about... everything (maybe this is a poor life lesson). Lance taught me that I need to learn to stand up for myself and that I have a pretty good "gut feeling" and I should really listen to that more.
And finally, Josh- This is a tough one. I think Josh is in the process of teaching me that there are a lot of things you need for a relationship to work (note self evaluation going on here... haha). Sometimes things just change and you don't know why. Sometimes the chemistry is there, but it just goes away. Sometimes you just don't have enough in common. I'm still figuring this one out. But he did teach me that it is totally ok to expect your partner to be all of the following things: 1. Kind 2. Stable (Maybe not always- you are there to help with that when needed. But in general.) 3. Accepting 4. Loving 5. Honest 6. Thoughtful 7. Compassionate 8. Overall good at being in a relationship.
So... there's that for now. I'm not sure if I will get back in the habit of being on here or not... We'll see.
If there actually IS anyone still active, I would love to know how your lives are going. You should comment and give me an update. :)
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